Friday, October 16, 2009

The Frustration I Feel

There are times I think back to when things were much simpler. Back before Joshua was born. I had no clue as to what it was like to feel the stress and frustration over your helpless child like I've now grown to know so well. I wish I could grab that girl when she just had one child and shake her. Parenting is so easy when everyone's healthy. I hope, if I can get anything across to anybody, it's that. Your babies are so precious. Don't take for granted what you have. You can read all the "What to Expect" books you want, but when it comes down to it, all you need to know is: have patience, be consistent and create special memories on purpose. 

I have to keep reminding myself of this. I'm at a place now where my "duties" as Joshua's primary caretaker sometimes interfere with my mothering. It's so easy to become resentful and overwhelmed, forcing everyone else in the house to pay the price. I can only be angry with myself for that.  It can be so hard to be as organized and productive as I need to be, to properly take care of Joshua without loosing the sweet, soft and easy-going mom that my kids need. I want to be such a different woman. My family needs it. I just don't know how not to get so wrapped up in everything being a certain way. Of course nothing in my life goes as I think it should. My house doesn't reflect it, that's for sure. That's one more thing that prevents my sanity. It drives me crazy when things are out of place. I want it all to be perfect, but I just don't have it in me at the end of the day to do it all. I'm all ready sleep deprived as it is. 

This is such a short time in our lives and I know in my heart that I need to just get over myself. The good Lord has gotten me this far, only He can take on my burdens. I just have to hand them over. So, Lord, please give me grace and tolerance and the ability to take the best care possible of Joshua and love my children as sweetly and patiently as I can.

I'm reminded of a poem I once read about dirty handprints and cherishing these little messes now, because it's only a matter of time...

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